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02:18am 28/08/2010
Proscuitto + fresh mozzerella + crusty bread + tiniest bit of mayo + 30 seconds in microwave = awesomeness.  When a frosty ale is added to the mix, it approaches divinity.

Nate has booked his first big gig for Gotham Armory.  Details will come after the check is in the bank so as to not tempt fate.  

We have booked our theatre and appear to be closing in on making the next big payment so we can move forward; auditions will be announced next week.  Tomorrow a handful of company members are coming over for a sword-making party; Nate is roughing out the blades of the swords according to the designs we've made in collaboration, and we're going to sit around and listen to music and drink beers and sand and file the sharp edges away and talk about Macbeth.

And then I'm off to cocktail at a wine bar deep in the West Village, which is so different than the Midtown Business Lunch Grind that I've grown so tired of.  Already meeting people with whom I have mutual friends, so a warm familiarity feels easy.

We are laying great plans.  We are jumping off cliffs and building our wings on the way down.

"The spring is wound up tight. It will uncoil of itself. That is what is so convenient in tragedy."
                        ~ Antigone, Jean Anouilh, 1944

mood: creative
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old wound  
03:17am 10/08/2010
Been spending a lot of time with Nate.  It's good.  He's been working out a lot and constantly building swords, which is exciting.  It's nice to reacquaint myself with the very long list of reasons that I love him.   Gotten a little distance from the bacchanalia of Midsummer, and that's good for my marriage.  Need to dry out a little, though, because my tolerance has stayed wicked high, and that's just not good for the budget.  Nor my liver, I imagine.  Spending a lot friend-time with people from the show that I wasn't necessarily expecting to stay close to, and that's good, too, for my sanity. 

Merely Players is in less than a week.  More on that hot mess tomorrow.

Tonight I saw The Goodbye Girl at Bryant Park, and I'd never seen it before.  And Richard Dreyfuss as Eliot Garfield really was pretty adorable, in his unique way.  He reminded me very much of an ex that I am not friends with anymore, but wish that I was; it's his choice that we are not in communication, not mine.  I miss him all the time.  He was one of the best friends I ever had, and when he said that we'd always be friends, even once we weren't lovers anymore, I believed him.  I guess it was just too difficult for him, but seriously, you're married, I'm married, can't I send you a birthday card and ask how you're doing?  You have a theatre company, I have a theatre company, can't we just... talk and catch up like old friends?

Last November I wrote this poem during a particularly maudlin night of thinking about him.  I put it on my myspace blog which means that precisely two people read it, because really, who is on myspace anymore?  Sometimes I'll listen to recordings of him singing and playing the guitar, even though it's, as cherryvampcandy says, 'opening a vein.'  But I miss him.  I miss his voice in my life, both literally and figuratively. Just thought I'd share the poem.

meteor shower

On such a night
our first autumn together,
a Leonid cut a green swath across the sky
I swore I could hear it sizzle
hours on the phone speaking of kinship
a recognition of spirit and old music
every year on such a night I send you blessings.

I sought out your voice tonight
and held both hands to my chest when I heard it
defenseless against the aching sweetness
breathing in and trying to contain
the glow of my heart
stole out onto the balcony
street quiet
leaves whispering in the breeze
hoping to catch just one meteor on its way down
but the city sky revealed only a few streaks
so dim I may have wished them into being
before the cloud cover creeped over.

You wrote a song for me
the coffee's getting cold
just when I think I've forgotten every note
one pokes out from between the ribs of memory
or the back of a desk drawer
your kindness and laughter rise in me
I refold the moment and tuck it away
so that it can be found again
your words and songs
are all that remains of you now
things bravely expressed 
in a dance our hearts used to know.

mood: wistful
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post-show letdown  
02:33am 23/06/2010
 And so it goes.

surprisingly enough, I'm not sick.  yet, anyway.  but I was really expecting my mutant immune system, resilient as it is, to collapse into a whimpering heap as soon as the show was finished, considering how overtaxed it has been with MASS quantities of alcohol, pot, caffeine, and not enough sleep or food for weeks if not months.  I think I lost 10 lbs during tech week and then gained it back in beer.

which is not to complain in any way about the experience that was this Midsummer; it was an even higher quality production than I was hoping it would be and I'm incredibly proud of it as my company's first major project.  it was beautiful and rewarding and i'm going to have 2000 pics and hours of video to memorialize it.  but for right now, it's not terribly helpful to think about it from that point of view, because somehow, I'm not finished yet.  I still have to sort out all the money and keep my fingers crossed that we broke even, after reimbursing and paying everyone I said I was going to pay.  have to get a storage unit for the flats and platforms that the theatre is letting us keep, since they don't have room for them there, and then get a zipcar truck to transport the stuff there.  

and most importantly for the company, I have to schedule a post-production meeting and decide what show will come up next.  Macbeth is strong in the running, since I've wanted to do it for 5 years, obviously, but I want to hear ideas from other people in the company and honestly, I still don't know that we can raise enough money to do the Macbeth that is in my head.  also Nate and I have some serious talking to do about how we work together before we can move forward on a project that will be as fight-heavy as Macbeth.

I also need to get a new job.  some friends have recommended catering.  I'm going to apply for unemployment while I'm looking.  but I hope I can get by for at least a couple of weeks without diving right back into a new restaurant.  my house is overflowing with clutter and laundry, and I think it will be therapeutic for me to just take a little time and deal with that.
mood: exhaustedexhausted
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03:22am 28/05/2010
Midsummer opens in less than a week.  Eeep.

No, really, I feel great about all the acting happening in my show, and I think it's going to be hilarious.  I remember a friend and I went to see a production of Noises Off in London once where we laughed so hard we nearly fell out of our seats, and we finally understood why a teacher/director from college had said that "We're gonna need seatbelts!"  I was thinking about that at the end of rehearsal the other night, but it didn't make sense to anyone else and I felt like an idiot.  But I really do feel like I should give a little warning with the curtain speech, so people keep their hands and feet inside the car.  This show is a wild ride.

After four nights in a row of having the whole cast called and in all getting through the show nearly 3 times, it was strange to not be at rehearsal tonight, but the costume designer and I had an evening of hot glue and hand-sewing things, and I am pretty proud of how some props and individual pieces are turning out.

Tomorrow is back to the theatre for more painting a flat to look like marble ruins overgrown with moss, and 300' of artificial ivy arrived in the mail today.   I also need to paint some antlers.
tags: midsummer
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wham bam thank you ma'am  
12:49pm 21/05/2010
 In 4 hours I'll be boarding a plane, still need to finish packing, check in online, and shower.  We're flying to Detroit, being swept out on the town by my amazing sister, who loves living in Detroit and can't wait to show everyone how cool it's becoming there, seriously, there's a great local urban farming movement happening, and tons of local music and art pretty much everywhere, and serious serious beer. 

Then tomorrow morning we're borrowing her car and driving to Cleveland for the wedding of two of our nearest and dearest.  We made everyone drive to 3 hours north of Manhattan for our wedding, so I can't really complain, I just wish that I had given more thought to where I'd be in the Midsummer process at the time of this wedding when I was scheduling Midsummer.  My set designer will be at the theatre tomorrow, with a few other people from the cast, cutting and constructing and painting without me, and it's driving me crazy.  I know that not having to be part of the construction team should be something that a director looks forward to, but until I can actually afford to pay people appropriately for their time, (instead of just hoping that the show is successful enough that I can cut my friends a check for $100 here and there), I feel like I should be the first one in and the last one out.  It's my vision, my show, my company, and I should be in there sweating with everyone else who has gifted me with their time and investment in the show.

The wedding will be lovely, I'm sure.  Gina will be beautiful, Dave will look great, I will cry.  I'll drink a lot of champagne, Nate and I will dance badly, he may fall asleep leaning against a wall somewhere if he has enough to drink, we've had a long week and these things are predictable.  Then Sunday morning we're driving back to Detroit to give my sister her car back, she'll take us to the airport, and we fly back in time for rehearsal.  This past Wednesday was our first stumble-thru and we didn't make it to the end, so we have a lot of work to do.   Overall, though, the show is in great shape from an acting point of view.  Now we just have to work out the set, lights, music, costumes, and running crew.  

I will do my best to just enjoy myself and the wedding, but I don't know how successful I will be.

mood: tiredtired
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Better now than later, I suppose....  
01:47am 06/04/2010
Callbacks went well overall.  First read-through is next Monday.  Now all I need is a Titania/Hippolyta.  

Thought I had one, but she's been offered a paid gig elsewhere; can't blame her for taking it.

We've barely begun, so I'm not going to get worked up about this.  I expected to lose at least one; I just wish it hadn't been her, she and my Oberon/Theseus had great chemistry.  

Ah, well.  One obstacle at a time.  
mood: frustratedfrustrated
music: Waxies Dargle
tags: midsummer
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It has begun....  
10:08pm 15/03/2010
I'm exhausted already, and we haven't even had auditions yet.  Now, I know the reason that I'm exhausted is just as much because I've been laying off the drinking lately, and then over the weekend I was very social and drank 3 nights in a row, so there's a lingering hangover.  But also, with this undertaking, this theatre company that I've created, now I have all these actors who believe in what I want to do and work with me.... it's inspiring, it's validating, it's empowering.... and it's exhausting, knowing that so many people are depending on me.  I need a Producer for this show, and I don't have one.   There are several people involved in the company that are already making themselves very helpful, I have both an Assistant Director and a Production Manager, and I had neither of those things before, but never before did I have to worry about the money, the press, the paperwork.  Sometimes I'm thrilled about this whole endeavor, and sometimes I feel like I'm not going to sleep until June 2, which is when Midsummer Night's Dream opens.

But this is what I wanted, right?  To have complete control over not just the show I'm directing, but the artistic vision of the company?  Yes, that's what I want.  While working with Bushwick Shakes last year, often ideas that were encouraged in one-on-one encounters with the Executive Director would get bogged down in production meetings once everybody else's opinions were voiced.  I always wanted to talk about future projects, goals for the company to work toward, how to get grants and be a company that would be a positive presence in the community, and I kept running into "that's too expensive, that's too ambitious, that's too far off, that's not going to get me an agent, let's just focus on the next show we want to cast ourselves in."  And at Mortal Folly's first big company meeting on Saturday, there were only positive ideas, and it was fantastic.  "I know these kids, I'll reach out to their parents...", "I know Photoshop!", "we could do this, and this, and etc etc etc."  That was exhilarating.  

And now that pre-production has started, I recognize that I was definitely slipping into depression again, until the decision to do Midsummer instead of Macbeth was made.  The mountain of unattainable money, material resources, and manpower that would be necessary to put up the Macbeth that's in my head.... it was something I'd been carrying around and not coming up with any way to really tackle it, but I also didn't want to compromise the artistic vision that I have for it, that would have felt like I was failing myself on our very first show.  And no venues were getting back to us.  Just felt like I was spinning my wheels.  As soon as I started thinking about Midsummer, however, all the cylinders started firing again, and the ideas just flowed, and we got a theatre, and everyone seems willing to roll up their sleeves and dive in with me.  So I know I'm doing the right thing.  Macbeth has been waiting in my head for nearly 5 years already, it can wait at least until the fall.  And this group of actors that are becoming my company members are all fired up about Midsummer, just as much as they were for Macbeth, some of them more so.  We had a 15-minute group discussion about the physicality of the faeries and how I want them to be far more birdlike or meerkat-like than human.  Many jokes were made about how just like with As You Like It, there would just have to be dirt and trees, right?  Kate can't direct a show without building trees and covering the actors in dirt.  But it was so good-natured.  I didn't feel like anyone was disagreeing with me just for the sake of a power play, because everyone here knows that I'm the one steering this ship, come hell or high water, and they're all on board.  Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, right?

But still.... every day I wake up and have 25 things to do, and on a really good day I accomplish 8-10 of them.  Have to write the fundraising letter, have to cut the script, have to email out the audition sides, have to book the audition space, have to seek out sponsors for the fundraiser (May 8th!), have to remember to pay the bills, and not socialize too much, and not spend money on stupid shit, because every dime I have belongs to the theatre and the show until we start actually raising money, have to remember to wash the dishes, have to remember to wash myself, have to.... sleeeep.......
location: Home
mood: draineddrained
music: Bitter Sweet Symphony - The Verve
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V8 brings us amazing things.  
01:40am 13/02/2010
 Does anyone else see this and read "Crackberry?"  And am I wrong in thinking that is how deliciously addictive this might taste?

cranberry / blackberry
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August 2010  

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